Blackout: God Dammit
If there’s one thing you can count on your friends to do: they will REGALE you with tales of the ways you misbehaved, the next day. And you will listen in stupefied horror. Some denial, but that will ebb, leaving you with nothing but horror. Some of the absolutely true statements I’ve been slapped with in such hangover-morning situations:
– “You hit on my girlfriend, until I punched you in the mouth. Then you hit on me.”
– “You tried to convince the cabbie to let you drive, until he kicked us both out.”
– “I woke up at 4 am, and you were peeing off the balcony, onto the downstairs neighbors’ patio. Seriously, go look, there’s a big piss-stain all over their porch.”
– “You threw bagels in the hotel pool from the fourth floor.”
– “Well, now we know my husband can kiss a guy, thanks to you.”
– “You puked in the hot tub, then joked that everyone should stay in and pretend they were bathing in soup.”
I am not proud.
Don’t worry, we’re barely tickling the edge of the rabbit hole on this story. Hehehehe.
The song isn’t quite about this, but I find it appropriate. Let’s get some OI up in here.
Mine in this vein:
Them: “Dude, were you really trying to eat the fish out of Jack’s fish tank last night?”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Them: “Why does my mouth taste like rubber?”
Me: “Because you chewed the corners off the door mat.”
Them: “No I didnt!”
Me: “Would you rather I say you sucked us all off while wearing rubbers?”
Some stories you just cant make up.
Why is this strip making laugh so goddamn much?
“Those guys who brought you home last night were calling you [$roommate]’s name.”
Them: “how’s your nuts?”
Me: “WTF? Fine. How’d I get home?”
Them: “You were trying to grope women in the club, giggling like a school girl, until [female coworker] kicked you in the nuts and you walked off muttering something about all she had to do was tell you to fuck off.. which she had done, repeatedly.”
Me: “… wtf. Good for her, she did the right thing. Damnit.”
I don’t know what the fuck my subconscious was thinking, but I’m aptly afraid of letting it out ever again.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruef7aYCEbc
word.
you were kicking serious ass at beer pong until you took a shot of uv vodka and legit puked everywhere, you killed that party for everybody.
my friends are assholes.
“You threw bagels in the hotel pool from the fourth floor.”
No!! Not bagels! Unless they were some frozen, bakery-style… No! No bagels deserve to have anything done to them besides being eaten!
So sad. 🙁
I honestly don’t remember, but the description was that it was a bag full of stolen bagels, as one might grab off a supermarket shelf.
Post homecoming from Afghanistan, I woke up on the couch at my sister’s sorority house.
She came down stairs and shook me awake.
Me: Where am I?
Sister: The blank-blank house.
Me: How did I get here?
Sister: I had a pledge bring you here.
Me: Why?
Sister: You started yelling threats to the bartender that if he shot you off you would call in an airtstrike on the bar.
Me: Oh….
Sister: Here’s your credit card, I paid your tab.
That first one warranted an evil giggle.
The last question Joe asked is the first thing that occurred to me on Friday’s strip. It’s straightforward to check, and generally fairly reliable. If it’s dry as a bone (hurr hurr), you probably didn’t do anything to worry about.
“You puked in the hot tub, then joked that everyone should stay in and pretend they were bathing in soup.”
Wow. Even for you, that’s..
Ew.
I think if I could get close enough to my peen to determine whether it smelled like latex I’d never leave the house.
My official vote for favorite goes to spemack. <3
Oh god…
“You apparently have some really detailed plans to take over [insert small country in South America].”
“I.. wait, what?”
“You don’t remember drinking with [attache from smaller, neighboring South American country] last night? Dude, I think they’re making you a General or something in their Army.”
Or
“I don’t know what I expected when you grabbed the microphone from the DJ at the strip club last night, but you shouting ‘FREE THE WHORES, THEY’RE PEOPLE TOO’ wasn’t it.”
“Oh shit.”
“Yeah, the bouncers were pretty cool about it.”
“Well at least…”
“They made sure you landed on your back in the parking lot.”
Or
“How’s your face feeling?”
“Eh ok, but my right nostril is a bit sore.”
“I’ll bet it is” (walks off)
“What happened?”
(disturbingly evil chuckle as he continues to walk off)
“Hey fuck you, what the fuck happened?”
Or
(Friend hands me a $20, a glass of water, and some Advil)
“Thanks man, what’s the $20 for?”
“Because I didn’t actually think you’d punch a chihuahua.”
Or
(wake up in the back of a pickup on a rough dirt road)
“Where the fuck are we?”
“We’re fleeing the fucking country in the back of a really shitty truck! Let’s hope it doesn’t break down out here in the middle of fucking nowhere! Asshole!”
“Two questions; what country (please don’t be the USA), and why?”
“Mexico, and because you thought it would be a good idea to punch a cop and take his fucking gun, dick!”
Yeah, I may have allegedly had some drinking problems when I was younger. Tequila and I don’t get along so good.
I heard that last one in my head as a dialogue between Walt and Jesse from Breaking Bad.
That totally fits.
Mick’s last night with Alexis finally explains, the true meaning behind the name “Failure to Fire”.
Friend: So we leaned you against the wall and went to get the train tickets and you told those guys to fuck off in perfect Spanish.
Me: I don’t even know that word or how to conjugate it.
Other friend: Yeah you do, puta.
3 words. naked. snow. angels.
yes, on a dare. yes, alcohol was involved. yes, I got laid out of it.
lucky that hot tub was there, or mr. happy would have never come back out.
“You okay dude? You hit on every girl at the party last night.”
“LOL! Really? All except the ugly ones, right?”
“You hit on ALL of them.”
“But, not the ones that were clearly making out with other guys at the time, right?”
“EVERY. ONE.”
“Aw, crap. They’re never inviting me again are they?”
“Fraid not.”