Don’t blame me for the punchline here. Mel wrote it.
Shout out to Adam Etzion. I know he was looking forward to this part of Alex’s backstory.
For the record, when it comes to the Israel/Palestine situation, I firmly stand behind my assertion that: Shit be fucked up, yo. I have friends from Israel, and I have a friend from Palestine. I personally think everyone there needs to chill the fuck out and have a coke, but I’m typing this from a middle class house in Dallas. I’ve never lost a loved one to a suicide bomber who blew up a cafe, or a rifle that spat a bullet that was stamped “MADE IN THE USA.” What’s the answer to the conflict? Fuck if I know. All my friends from both sides of the conflict seem like great people. Hell, I’d love to take them all out to a bar and suck down some beers. They’d probably get along just fine. But instead, a bunch of people, from what I can tell, are killing each other over a chunk of desert that some goat herders, ages ago, deemed holy. Seems kinda insane, from where I stand. No piece of dirt is worth watching your children die over, when it’s in the goddamn desert. Frankly, I’d love to evac the entire populations of both sides, let them colonize Montana and Wyoming, and pave over Jerusalem with so much blacktop, you’d need a GPS to find the site where the Temple Mount used to reside.
Ah, ah, ah! Before you decide to click on “comment”, where you can try to rip me a new one: I’m just a goddamn American cartoonist. Before you take this bullshit of mine too seriously, understand that I draw cats for a living, and I mostly just make people laugh. Like a clown. Why are you taking this so seriously? Who gives a shit what I think? I’m just some asshole on the internet. Chill out, have a beverage of choice, and refrain from calling me anti-Semitic (I’m not) or a Zionist (I’m not).
On that note, here’s some Israeli metal.
Told to me by an IDF member in the 1980’s:
“They are forming a new Special Forces Unit in the IDF, the Nin-Jews”
After that and much more Goldstar Dark, jokes went quickly downhill.
I suppose they’re taught the martial art of Jew-Jitsu?
If you haven’t yet, read Lamb by Christopher Moore.
Loved it. A little over-the-top at times, but a damn funny read.
A friend recommended that book to me a few years back. I died.
Now Gordon’s read it as well, and it’s one of our mutual favorites.
I would have thought a joke about NIN-Jews would start a Downward Spiral….
Not going to call you anti semitic, just want to know why you are anti Montana/Wyoming. Hell one of the reasons we don’t have the same kind of problems is because we give people their space. Now you want to take our space from us? That is just wrong. ha ha.
Holy shit. Someone finally re-colonized Wyoming? Or Montana? Which one are you broadcasting from! We’ll send supplies!
I’ve been making this joke for a while. (In bold because anytime I type this shit, someone takes it seriously and gets offended.)
How to bring about Peace in the Middle East:
First, mobilize EVERY SINGLE AIRCRAFT WE HAVE IN THE USA that can carry people, until we have more than enough. We send ALL of our ground forces into Israel. One big peacekeeping push. Wake up all the Israelis, with a message: “You are moving now. Pack up. You may carry two large suitcases per person. Get on the fucking planes. Yes, we know, ‘plane’ kinda sounds like ‘train,’ shut up. That’s not what’s happening. It is time for you to relocate. You should be used to this by now.”
Pack all 7 million Israelis onto planes and evacuate as fast as possible. Take them to Montana, which at this time is a chunk of land that is considerably larger than the entire United Kingdom, but has the population of the city of Fort Worth, Texas. 7 million more residents? Please, we could add 3 times that to the state, and nobody would notice. People would still never see each other without trekking on horseback or polar-bear-drawn-wagon or whatever the hell it is people use there.
Now, here’s where part of my plan is devious, but pays off in the long run: Give every single adult Israeli transplant $200K upon arrival. They can use it for anything. Building a business, building houses, whatever.
People at this point often accuse me of just giving Jerusalem to the Palestinians at this point in the fictional plan. Ah, no, stay with me folks! This plan ain’t half done!
After dropping off the Israelis, we take all those big fucking planes full of soldiers and fly RIGHT THE FUCK BACK to Israel/Palestine. It’s the Palestinians’ turn! “Get on the fucking planes! If you don’t, you will get blown the fuck up! No, we’re really not kidding. If you stay, you will be a hurtin’ pup. Get on the fucking plane.” You grab all 4 million of ’em, and fly them to: WYOMING! Because nobody fucking lives in Wyoming. It’s a state about the size of the United Kingdom, with – and this has always blown my mind – half the population of Rhode Island. No, really. Again, all Palestinian transplants get $200K.
Here’s where a lot of people say “BUT JAMES, YOU RIDICULOUS OAF, MONTANA AND WYOMING SHARE A BORDER! THERE WILL BE NOTHING BUT BLOODSHED!” Not so, cry I!
Right now, in Israel/Palestinian territory, you have 11 million people crammed into a chunk of sand the size of New Jersey. Know why they’re always killing each other? BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING EASY. A Jihadist wants to blow up a Cafe, all he has to do is walk a mile or two. Israeli tanks want to blow the skin off a new section of Palestinians, they just point their turrets in a different direction.
But driving from Helena to Cheyanne? That’s 9 grueling hours behind the wheel for almost 700 miles of mountains and prairie. Someone would have to really make an effort to continue the fighting. Especially in the winter.
Anyhoo: part 3, which is the clincher.
We bomb Israel absolutely, postively flatter than a goddamn pancake.
Not nukes. No. But we unleash billions on billions of dollars’ worth of bombs. Absolutely CARPET that land with explosions. Do it until even insects know better than to go there. Do it until even the shrapnel from the first bombs is reduced to powder by the final bombs. Then, bring in the bulldozers. We are going to make a parking lot you can see from space, without a telescope. Use earth graders, and level that entire country absolutely, utterly flat. Pave over it with concrete. No fences, no lights, no buildings, just a massive, amazingly huge flat expanse of blacktop.
And then? Never worry about it again. If some religious nutjob really wants to grab a GPS and stand on the chunk of pavement where the Temple Mount used to be? Let him.
Boom, I solve the Middle Eastern crises, and I’ve kickstarted the economies of two of our less populous states.
Next, I solve world hunger by feeding abortions to the impoverished…
Wow…
That was truly, amazingly awesome!
I want to implant a uterus into myself so that I can have your babies!
Okay, I’m FROM Wyoming, and that made me laugh, which, being that it’s a JOKE, was the whole idea, right? The part that got me was the “9 grueling hours behind the wheel,” because, now that I’m in Ohio, these small-state people do not understand what an actual road trip is. Driving from Dayton to Columbus to see a show? That’s 45 minutes. Not a road trip, more of a field trip. To see the same band the first time, a friend and I tag-teamed from Casper to Albuquerque. That’s 13 hours. THAT is a road trip.
Hey now..Gordon’s from Montana..
Doesn’t matter. I just wonder at the wisdom of putting the Palestinians and Israelis in adjoining states.
Movin’ to Montana soon, gonna be a dental floss tychoon!
Ahd yes I did read your treating of that little detail by pointing out the hugeness of each state.
But they’d still..share..a border..
Been to Israel a few times. It’s like they don’t let any chick less the a 7 out side.
I’m not sure if the better backup punchline was “speaking in tongues” or Cunnilingual”
Oh, hey, Orphaned Land. Excellent. I was lucky enough to see them at ProgPower USA a couple years ago. They put on one hell of a great show.
cheers,
Phil
I thought Israeli metal was an Uzi…. (Hey, SOMEONE had to say it!)
Actually, Israeli metal is a Merkava …
Right behind you on the assertion. As a kid my solution was to seal them all in, have regular supply drops of food/water/medical supplies then open it up a couple centuries down the line to see what’s left…yeah, total cynicism for a 6 year old.
The punchline could’ve been way worse; in one of the Brosnan James Bond movies, 007 was described as ‘you always were a cunning linguist’.
After spewing coffee, my first thought was counting off the number of women I know that I should send this comic to.
My favourite solution is to execute all the jihadist mujadeen, then let the more peaceful Arabic Palestinians and the Jews settle the rest of their differences in a sports league as they jointly settle and develop Israel/Judæa. The Jews gifted us with the idea of universal literacy among the citizens; the Arabs invented complex mathematics. Great match!
> My favourite solution is to execute all the jihadist mujadeen
I think that’s been the plan all along. For, uh, a long, long time. It’s not working out so well.
There’s a problem with executing extremists: it tends to make more extremists.
That’s only true to a point, and the point varies. Once you kill enough of the extremists, the survivors start to figure out that there are better ways to handle the situation. This approach can, however, require a great deal of patience and an iron will, which qualities are notable principally for their absence in the Western political scene. 🙁
Don’t worry, most of us stopped listening to your ‘logic’ after you proclaimed: “There’s no media bias”.
Yeah, keep drawing cats and chicks dude. Leave the thinking to the adults…
🙂
You show me where I said there was no media bias. Please.
Add: I said the exact opposite: there most certainly is a media bias, but it’s neither left nor right wing, overall. This is provable. If you believe otherwise, you are little more than a confirmation-sucking manchild who dismisses what you don’t like to hear as a “_____-wing bias.” Or you try to make condescending statements of dismissal towards people who’ve actually kept track of the various watchdog groups that exist solely to monitor biases in media, and the findings of unaffiliated groups has been that the American media is more or less biased evenly, pumping out oversimplified, sensationalist bullshit and propaganda to keep us divided into two parties, so that the distractions can keep us from thinking.
As Hicks put it: “You are free to do as we tell you.” Pepsi or Coke, Republican or Democrat, FOX or MSNBC, there you go, you are free to maintain that the other side owns the media bias. Don’t pay attention to what’s going on in the world, don’t even pay attention to the real issues in your country – just stay mad, bro, because the people you disagree with control the media! The media outlet you agree with just said so! Those gosh darned left/right wingers! You’re being oppressed! And hey, do you want McDonald’s or Burger King? Tide with Bleach or All? Here’s a sensationalist story about more shit that will kill you! Or kill your family! Or kill your dog! Or kill your dog’s family! And it’s the fault of those people that you disagree with! Stay latched onto the sensationalist pablum, America, because God forbid you realize that the real enemy isn’t the other political party – it’s the people who run the system in the first place. Stay fat and addicted to your pundits and here’s a heartwarming story about a Priest who saved an orphanage full of baby dolphins from a house fire. Awwww. And now, more sensationalism.
The bias, as always, is still toward sensationalism. So it has been, and so it will be until people wise the fuck up.
So say we all, brother…
Amen. Can I share the fuck out of this?
As always, if I post something publicly/unfiltered, hit it.
These false dichotomies are amusing. I remember when I was asked “pepsi or coke?” as a “fun question” during a job interview. I got slightly flustered and finally said “I like root beer!” Choose the third option. Or the fiftieth. Your only limitation is what you can imagine.
I can’t believe no one else has linked Tim Minchin’s Peace Anthem here yet:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yy9Y9guPdI
Let’s see, a red headed girlfriend and a blue haired interloper. Do I sense some Red vs. Blue action coming up?
This is how I used to view the whole thing a few years ago.
I should start again.
“Pen them up and let them settle their differences” could be fun, if they go with Battle of the Nations rules: http://www.combatmedieval.com/
The Palestinians would have to get up to snuff. Israel put in their debut team last year, when USA did. The Israeli 1×1 champ is doing pro fights in Russia, now.